Having kids puts a huge strain on marriage in more ways than one. This isn’t some huge top secret information, just ask any married couple with children. Its hard on many aspects of marriage. It pushes couples to stand together even if in doubt, to stay strong, to put themselves aside for the sake of another human being. Sometimes this takes a toll on the couples sex life. I can attest to this. From experience after our first child was born our sex life took a HUGE nose dive. By the end of the day I was just all “touched” out. I had changed, loved on, hugged, kissed, and soothed K from the moment we woke until the moment he fell asleep in my arms that night. I was covered in baby vomit, food, and who knows what else. By the end of the night I didn’t want to be touched anymore.
The thought of having to touch someone else or make someone else happy was utterly exhausting to me. It wasn’t that I didn’t WANT to make my husband happy I just didn’t feel like I had it in me to give myself over to another person that day. To surrender myself over to him when all I really wanted was a nice long bath, 5 minutes to read a book in peace and hopefully get a full nights rest. I wanted my husband to be happy but I couldn’t find it in myself to give up that 5 minutes of me time to make him happy. Not to mention how I felt when I looked in the mirror. I was NOT the person he married, physically or mentally. I now had stretch marks, an extra 20 lbs, and I just did not feel “sexy” in my own skin. If I didn’t find myself sexy I didn’t believe he would either.
This man made sacrifices for me daily. He worked 16+ hours a day and came home to a tired wife and grumpy child. He did bath time and bed time without complaint and even went above and beyond for me. He was putting in all this effort and all he asked for in return was to be touched and cuddled and I couldn’t find it in myself to give it to him.
It wasn’t until a very horrible argument that I started seeing what the lack of intimacy was doing to my marriage. After all this is the man that gave me such amazing children. How could I be so selfish to put my own wants and needs in front of his? My husband has never asked for much from me. He simply needs a little love and attention sometimes. It is his love language actually. And for me to ignore that made me feel like the worst person in the world.
I vowed that night to try to change things. I wanted to make this man happy. After all he did for our family it really was the least I could do. So I started making it a routine. I know this sounds like a ridiculous idea but it truly did save my marriage. I would prepare that day by doing the normal female things. I would shower, shave, pick out something sexy to wear under my clothes and I would send him a naughty text to let him know I was thinking of him. Once home and the daily to do list was done I would then take him to bed. In the beginning I really wasn’t in the mood. I would argue with myself daily and say “JUST DO IT! Just do it for him! Do it for the man you love!” and that little ritual worked. It took about two months of doing this at least twice a week to regain my sex drive. But I started to look forward to these days, to making my husband happy, because the harder I tried to make him happy the harder he tried to do the same but in his own ways.
Do I still feel all touched out some days? Heck yea! Fast forward 3 years and a set of twins later and I totally feel this way a lot. But I do not let it stop me from making him happy. Sex is what made the children but it doesn’t have to stop just because the ‘job’ is done. Intimacy and sex are key elements in a marriage, don’t let life get in the way of that. Even if you have to plan it as I did, your marriage will prosper from it.