To The Baby I Did Not Want

The news of you came at a very critical time in my life. A time where I was sure I was officially DONE having children. I was ready for life to get settled, to get my body back, to adjust to being a mother to three growing boys. I was finally accepting that we would not be having more children and was okay with that decision, after all your brothers were more than I could handle at the time. I had a 4 year old and 8 month old twins. I was NOT prepared for you. Your daddy knew I was pregnant before I did. I think he could just sense that something was different but I was in denial. To ease his mind I decided to take a pregnancy test one morning. I left it sitting in the bathroom and went on about my day as usual. I was pouring a cup of coffee when I heard screams coming from the bathroom. Believing that Daddy was playing a joke on me I just kept sipping my coffee. About 5 minutes later I went in and looked at that test I had left sitting and sure enough it was positive and there was no denying it! I began to panic immediately. How could I be having another child before the twins were even 1 year old? I just possibly couldn’t!

I wish I could say that I began to accept the idea over the next few months but I didn’t. The longer I was pregnant the more I worried and the angrier I got. How could we have been so careless? We did not want or need another child right now. I spent many nights crying and found myself in a spiraling depression at one point. I had mentioned to people how I just was not excited and honestly was scared. I was scared that I would not bond with you and that you would feel that and resent me one day. I was scared that I would not be a good enough mother for FOUR children ages 4 and under. I did not feel as if I would survive this. It was the hardest and scariest thing I had faced so far in life and I just did not know how to cope with it. I thought finding out you were a girl would help get me a little more excited but it did just the opposite. I had no idea how to parent a little girl!

Your birth was something of a miracle. We had planned a nice and quiet home birth for you. I woke up on a Thursday morning and noticed that my water was leaking. “Oh boy! Here we go!” I thought, but that was not the case. Labor never stuck around and my water resealed itself! I was not even aware until that moment that it could happen that way! Fast forward 2 weeks and many sleepless nights and it was finally your birth day! We had decided to make the trip to the hospital instead. I was feeling uneasy after the last scare and sought comfort in my doctor that had delivered your brothers and the capabilities of the hospital. I am so thankful that I did! With every push your heart rate would drop dramatically. When you came out your umbilical cord was wrapped around your neck THREE times! I could have lost you!

It was in that moment that I fell in love with you. All of you. Deeply and truly. They put you on my chest and it felt as if I could finally breathe for the first time in months. A calm came over me and I couldn’t help but be in awe of you. How something I had dreaded for so long could make everything in the world stand still. I no longer feared how I would handle being a mother to four children or how I would manage life with a girl. I just knew for a fact that this is how it was meant to be and that everything would be fine.

You are currently sleeping peacefully in my arms and are one of the most beautiful things I have ever laid my eyes on. You are as close to perfect as they come. I feel foolish now. Foolish for ever doubting myself or my ability to love you the way you need. I know now that this is how our life was meant to be and I couldn’t imagine it any other way. I finally feel as if our life is complete. We have been blessed with four perfectly healthy, mostly (because what kid is happy all the time?) happy, awesome children. I thank God daily for blessing me with each and every one of you, even if I was angry with his decision at first, because at the end of the day I know this is exactly where we are supposed to be.

I love you.

 

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