Im sorry for the long post in advance.
Postpartum Depression can strike at any time and comes unannounced hitting like a lightening bolt in your life. At least that’s what happened to me and my family.
For the longest time I was scared to come out and acknowledge my problem. I denied even having one. It wasn’t until that very scary thought crept into my brain that I really feared for my sanity, my life, and my children. That was the moment I decided I needed to talk to someone.
I’m going to share my story with you in hopes to educate and let others know that they are not alone in this fight. Postpartum Depression is nothing to be ashamed of and asking for help, or simply just talking to someone about it, could save you and/or your children’s life.
My story began after my twins were born. I came home to a three year old who didn’t quite understand that he was no longer an only child and two premie twins. I had ended up having a vaginal delivery with one twin resulting in an episiotomy and my second twin had to be taken by emergency cesarean section. So on top of three kids I was healing from two different sets of stitches and found myself completely alone the first week home. My husband had to go straight back to work and we did not have any family to help during recovery. I felt utterly alone.
The first few weeks were not bad. They actually were more of a blur than anything. I was up every 2 hours to pump, feed, change, and sooth two babies mostly alone. My husband helped when he didn’t work. It was about 6 weeks in that the extreme exhaustion set in. I was tired and moody. I wasn’t happy to have two babies and often asked God why he thought I could handle it.
In the midst of one of our REALLY long days full of crying fits, temper tantrums, poopy diapers, and baby puke I managed to get 5 seconds to take a bath. That was until my husband brought me a baby to wash while I was there. I sat there breastfeeding that beautiful little boy in the bath and felt absolutely no emotion. How could I create something so perfect and feel as if he was nothing but a burden?
After having feed, washed, and cuddled this tiny human that MY body created I passed him off to his daddy to finish my bath. I looked down at my now “ruined” body and began sobbing. I sat in that bath for a good twenty minutes trying to compose myself but the longer I sat the worse I felt. It was that night this very thought crept into my brain and planted an ugly seed. Sitting in that bath I began to think how leaving this world could be the end to my loneliness. How I thought it would make my husband and children happier. And I began thinking of ways to take my own life.
I’ve never been more thankful for such an attentive husband than I was that night. I got out of the shower ran straight in the bedroom to my husband and three beautiful boys. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore *and am crying as I type this* and I spilled my guts to him. All 5 of us sat crying and cuddling for atleast an hour before my husband looked up from me and said “Tell me what to do to help”. I didn’t know how to respond and I don’t think he actually needed an answer.
That night he got up with the boys alone letting me sleep for more an 2 hours at a time. He started helping out around the house and going out of his way to do things to make me happy. He also would call to check in on me and the boys throughout the day. He would stay up late talking me through my feelings and reassured me that I wasn’t lacking love for those little twins. I was just overly stressed and it would get better. The thought of suicide crept up at my worst times but I was open with my husband and he was supportive in all the right ways.
Our twins are a year old and our oldest is 4 now and I sometimes cannot believe that I ever thought about leaving them behind. They are the highlight of my life and truly are my greatest blessings. Exhaustion and depression are not a joke. Postpartum Depression effects more mothers than you realize. You are not alone! If you are having these feelings please please please talk to someone about it. It doesn’t have to be your spouse, it can be anyone. Just opening up and having that support can save your life. It did mine.